Great Balls of Fire
February 5, 1990 (Monday)
On our P-Day, we said goodbye to Elder Shumway. We went with him to the bus depot, and help to carry his bags. Back then there were no limits to how many bags we could carry as we traveled.
Before getting on the big bus that would take him down to Pusan on his way to the island of Cheju Do, he told us, “Gather around, y’all. I want to give y’all something to remember me with.” And we complied.
“Okay, now let’s all squat down like this.” We did as he asked, and then he jumped up at us. “FLARMP!” Whoooooa! We were all down, soaking in the light wetness from snow on the ground. Other passengers looked at us with a mixture of amusement and derision.
And then he was gone.
That left the three of us: Elder Benjamin, Elder Riley, and I in another one of those famous threesomes. Since I was the “oldest,” I got to call the shots. In that way, I was like a district leader for a couple of days!
February 6, 1990 (Tuesday)
The three of us had fun, but in my days of unofficial leadership, I was starting to feel sick. Stomach pains, which hindered some of our activities. I know — somewhat frustrating — my time to shine, and I had to get sick. “Don’t give that thing to me,” said Elder Riley. During the times we were at home, he spent as much time as he could alone in his own room.
February 7, 1990 (Wednesday)
We picked up Elder Johnston at the bus depot. And let me tell you — he’s tall. At least six feet. And skinny. He’s also very nice and somewhat subdued. I hope you don’t mind us skipping some of this, as we need to get to the real story — but don’t worry, you’ll learn all about Elder Johnston in due time. You’re about to find out that we didn’t get off on the right foot, and it was a slightly painful experience.
Perhaps part of it was my own jealousy. This was the first time I was the “oldest” person in the district (in terms of how long we had been in the country), and I had thought I should be district leader, but instead the President had chosen this guy with less experience, and with no knowledge yet of how our area worked.
And evidently, he knew the language better than I did. Perhaps it was just his innate talent. Don’t get me wrong — I was good with the language — it was why I was chosen earlier to learn sign language, but this guy was on a whole different level.
Either way, I knew that complaining would not go well with me. I didn’t want Elder Benjamin to know my thoughts, and destroy his constant outpouring of the Spirit. And perhaps the President had his own good reasons. So, during this first day, I decided not to say anything about it.
February 8, 1990 (Thursday)
And then it happened. Now, I’ve debated whether or not to include this story, but ultimately decided: if you want to hear these wonderful stories of the missionary life, you deserve to hear it all: both the Good and the Bad. I’m just giving a warning so you can prepare yourselves, but don’t worry; it’ll be okay.
Keep in mind that on average, we were 19-year-old teenagers living in a strange land. A little immaturity was expected. That’s why we had a President looking over us to keep us all in line. Still, there were the little things — we just couldn’t help ourselves. Hazing, rumors, practical jokes, and often, outright mistakes.
The biggest practice prevalent among the whole mission was shorts-ing someone. What you do, is, you sneak up behind someone and pull down their shorts. And you get extra points if you get someone in pants (as we all usually wore belts).
So prevalent was this practice, I think there were few missionaries who had not seen the famous picture of Elder Blaine with his shorts down, exposing his underwear, and an old lady holding her hands in front of her face in surprise. Famous, because it was an amazing feat and team effort that required impeccable timing and a little bit of luck.
And most of the time, this was all done with a spirit of old good-natured fun. Even though we had all seen that picture of Elder Blaine, he was still a powerhouse, a missionary respected by many. Still, the official word was not to shorts each other. It was one of those rules that was only made it more fun to do.
When I had first moved into this house where we now lived , (the Chung-ri district), I was a little taken aback when one of the elders snuck up behind me, then suddenly jumped in front, and pretended to hit me in the balls, yelling “Donk!” But then I quickly adjusted. It was the thing to do. It was kind of like the FLARMPs that Elder Shumway would always give us and encourage. It helped to increase camaraderie and brotherhood.
Before Elder Benjamin joined us in December, my tongbanja was the deaf Korean Elder Lee, and he was always an isolationist. He never participated in the Flarmps and the Donks. Though we’d try — he’d always respond with fire. He would yell at us in his sign language, which I would have to translate to the others … about how we Americans were just terrible. And we just couldn’t convince him otherwise.
But then when Elder Benjamin replaced him, he was like me — he participated in the Flarmps and the Donks willingly, and I have to admit — it was fun. With all four of us doing all this, it felt like we could all trust each other and have fun at the same time. We had peace in our home. Likewise, in January, Elder Riley also joined in the fun.
However, it evidently shocked Elder Johnston, our new district leader. We could tell instantly that he was a little hesitant, so we had decided to ease him into the practice. Little had we known, but the day before, he had called the APs to ask for advice. And the response? An angry phone call from the zone leaders.
When the phone rang, the other three of us had no idea of what was about to happen. Elder Johnston answered. “Yeoboseyo?” … and then in English, “Oh, hi Elder Thomas … oh, that? That was fast … Oh, I didn’t realize … I see … yeah … oh … I’m trying my best …,” and this went on for about thirty minutes.
In the meantime, the rest of us did what we always did when the zone leaders called, we stopped everything else we were doing and rumor milled.
Elder Benjamin said, “Elder Johnston doesn’t look very happy. It’s only been one day. What did he do?”
I said, “It must be something from his last area. Some bad news?”
“No, they’re fussing at him. I hope it isn’t that bad. What did he do?”
“A mistake, then? He didn’t break a rule, did he?”
We continued musing and wondering if this was going to disrupt our district. Were they making a change — installing me as the district leader?
To relieve tension, Elder Riley snuck up behind us and Donk-ed us both. “You’re going down, Elder Riley!” we said.
At the end of the thirty minutes, Elder Johnston called me over. Ashen faced, he said, “Elder Thomas wants to talk with you.” Dang! The sick feeling in my stomach got even sicker. I almost cramped over on the spot.
Whatever Elder Thomas had to say to me, I knew it was going to be awkward. So, I took the phone and said, “Hello. This is Elder Elder Elder Elder …”
“Elder Elder! Please! Now is not the time.”
“Oh,” I said. “What’s up?”
“Elder Johnston has alerted us that you all have been behaving inappropriately.”
“What? Inappropriate?” I looked around the room. Elder Benjamin and Elder Riley looked as surprised as I felt, and Elder Johnston was gone — probably in his bedroom.
“You know what you’ve been doing,” said Elder Thomas.
And I was flabbergasted. “What? Staying up too late?”
“I don’t really want to have to say it. It should be obvious what you’ve been doing.”
I kept silence, thinking of when police pull you over and ask, “Do you know how fast you were driving?” and you’re afraid to answer because anything you said could only self-incriminate.
“Okay,” he said. “You’ve been hitting each other … in the … well, you know.”
And then came the sudden wave of anger. What the heck?! “What? That? We’re not actually touching each other.”
“Now isn’t the time for rationalization. You just need to stop it — now. This behavior is not fitting for a missionary.”
“But we were just having fun. It doesn’t mean anything. You know — we’re just ribbing each other,” I said.
“Elder Elder! I don’t think the word ‘ribbing’ helps right now. I’m trying my best not to picture this thing.”
“But it’s not our fault. It was already happening when I got here.”
“Please stop talking. You don’t realize how close you are to being sent home,” he said.
“The President knows about this?”
“He certainly does,” he said. “Elder Johnston called the AP’s, so of course he knows. That’s why I got chewed out an hour ago. And yes, I know that this has been going on for a while now. When Elder Lee transferred out, he told Elder Sargent and me that the three of you weren’t behaving appropriately, but he wouldn’t give us any details. We ignored it, because we know he’s antagonistic, but turns out he was trying to tell us something, and now I’m in trouble because I should have fixed it months ago.”
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I haven’t really given it much thought. I didn’t think it was such a big deal. We can stop. But why are you fussing at me? I didn’t invent this.” Looking around, I saw that Elder Riley and Elder Benjamin knew now what we were talking about — surprised guilty faces.
“Because you’re the oldest one in the house. You’re the only one left from before, and you’re the one who had the power to stop this … um … tradition. It’s a bad example for Elder Riley. He’s still green, and we can’t have him spreading this throughout the rest of the mission. You need to nip this in the bud, now. Or … um … I can’t say how much I hate having to make this phone call.
“Look, Elder Elder. You’re a good missionary. So is Elder Benjamin. The two of you can do great things, but … well … this one thing is holding you back. Maybe that’s why you haven’t had any baptisms yet. Just stop this, and I promise you the windows of heaven will open, and you will see great success. Just stop. And now, can I speak with Elder Benjamin?”
“Okay. Thanks, and bye.”
I handed the phone to Elder Benjamin, who said quietly, “Oh man, please don’t send me home” as he took it.
I didn’t pay much attention to Elder Benjamin’s portion. I was too busy stewing with Elder Riley. We stood in silence until Elder Benjamin was done, and that was the end of the phone call. Elder Riley was going to be spared because of his greenishment. The most ironic thing: he was actually the reigning Donk champion — our worst offender.
“That was a little unexpected,” Elder Benjamin said as he hung up the phone. “At least they’re not going to send us home.”
Elder Riley said, “Okay. We all know what comes next. Are y’all ready? Let’s go get Elder Johnston.”
“Wait,” said Elder Benjamin. “We need to let him tell his side of the story.”
“Oh, he’s got a lot of explaining to do.”
I said, “Let’s get it over with.”
Elder Johnston looked up at us from his desk as we entered the room. He had been reading his scriptures.
“What the heck?” said Elder Riley. Only, “heck” wasn’t the word he said. “What did you have to go and get us all in trouble like this?”
I said, “Why didn’t you just tell us to stop it?”
“I’m sorry, guys,” said Elder Johnston. “This is my first time as district leader, and I only meant to ask for advice. I didn’t know how to handle this. And you see what happened? It blew up. This isn’t what I pictured would happen.”
“Yeah,” said Elder Riley. “This isn’t how Elder Shumway would have handled this.”
“Evidently, he didn’t handle it. Believe me, it was a major part of my struggle.”
I said, “We never really thought it was that bad. We were just having fun with each other. Camaraderie. It didn’t mean anything. You know — like shorts-ing people.”
“I sort of picked up on that. You all seemed to be enjoying it … a bit too much. It kind of weirded me out. I tried to say something about it, but you all seemed upset when I interrupted the proceedings. I sensed that you wouldn’t want to talk about it.”
Elder Riley said, “Well, we certainly didn’t want to get in trouble. Now the President knows what we’ve been doing. He’s never going to take us seriously again.”
“I only spoke with the APs, so we don’t know that. They might have handled this without talking with the President.”
“Well,” I said, “it looks like the APs didn’t decide to let you handle it. They panicked and called the zone leaders. Now the whole mission’s going to hear about this. What advice did they give you?”
“They sounded irritated, and they fussed at me on the spot. Said I should have handled it myself. But since they knew about it, they worried that you all were committing some egregious sins, and so they had to act fast. They delegated that task to our zone leaders, because they didn’t trust that I’d take care of it fast enough.”
“Well,” I said, “their version of handling it was to do it over the phone without seeing for themselves the spirit in which we were doing this — how it was helping us to come closer and work together as a unified district. They don’t understand that it’s not a bad thing.”
Elder Johnston put his head in his hands briefly and then looked at us again. “You see, that’s the thing. I don’t think you Elders realize how bad this really is. Can you imagine Donking the sisters like this? Nothing else would get you sent home faster.”
Elder Benjamin said, “Hey guys. I think he’s right. This is how Satan works. He causes us to sin in degrees — a little here, and a little there, until we slowly work toward a state that is clearly sin. That’s how he helps us to go from Point A to Point B. Satan helps us to rationalize every step of the way. ‘It builds camaraderie. It’s not as bad as it looks.’ Looking back, we wouldn’t ever go from Point A to Point B directly, as it would be too easy to see the sin. Elder Johnston was at Point A, and we were at Point B, and he saw the sin.”
I said, “I don’t think we were sinning.”
“Yes,” said Elder Benjamin. “It certainly feels that way. But how did you feel about it when you first came into this house.”
“I didn’t like it,” I said. “But I got used to it.”
“Okay,” said Elder Riley. “The same here. But then I thought this was just normal mission life.”
“You see how easy it is to rationalize and justify?” said Elder Benjamin. “Look guys, I don’t want to get sent home over something stupid like this. Maybe it isn’t that big, but it did bother us when we first got here, so let’s just stop it.”
“What do you think, Elders?” said Elder Johnston. “Do you all resolve to stop Donking each other?”
“Sure,” I said, even though part of me was still disappointed with the turn of events.
Elder Benjamin said, “Yes. I’m willing to stop.”
“Okay, me too,” said Elder Riley.
“What about shorts-ing? Can we do that?” I asked, partly to continue fighting the silliness, but also to get clarification as to how far this edict was going to go.
“Do you all do that here?” asked Elder Johnston.
“No, not really.”
“Okay. Good. I’d rather we not do that, either. We can find other ways to unify and have that camaraderie. What do you think, Elders?”
We all answered: sure, we were willing to give it a try, and that ended the conversation forever.
That night I did not go to bed angry, though my gut was still cramping up.
There was maybe one or two more days of embarrassment and concern that this might turn out to be a bad district, but then you know what happened next? It all went away. No one ever spread rumors nor punished us for what we had done other than the stern talking-to we had received. We just went back to work, and well … keep reading … you’ll see soon enough what came next.
