I'm Not Worthy!

Today I'd like to talk about probably one of the biggest misconceptions about repentance.

I was reading last night in Carl Sagan's Cosmos, as he relates the story of the astronomer Johannes Kepler. This was an individual who was deeply involved in his religion. I believe he held on to his religion at the end, but he was often at odds with how the Church treated people. At a very young age, his parents sent him to a Protestant seminary in Maulbronn, during which time he had no friends. The teachings at this school were apparently very strict -- so much so that he believed he was a sinner and that salvation was beyond his grasp.

As I read further, Carl Sagan goes on about how the Catholic archduke in Kepler's area decided to rid the lands of heretics, killing and exiling them.

And it hit me -- for centuries, if not millennia, evil people have been using otherwise perfectly good religions as a way to control people in order to maintain absolute power. And part of this control is to teach the people that they are not worthy. They are sinners. They have no hope, so they must rely on the Church and their priests for salvation.

I think of images of people whipping their own backs while chanting, "I'm not worthy! I'm not worthy!" And then I realize that for a major part of my life, I have been guilty of doing exactly the same. I don't know how many times I've beaten myself up because I sinned, or made a mistake. But then it's because I had never fully understood repentance and godly sorrow.

For years, I thought godly sorrow was just that: crying, and punishing ourselves and chanting, "I'm not worthy!" But now I don't think it's anything of the sort.

It's true -- none of us is perfect. I've sinned before and I'm likely to sin again. And true -- left to my own devices, I would have no chance to redeem myself if I ever wanted to get into heaven. Even the slightest blotch really does make us unworthy to enter heaven. I can only get in if that blotch is removed, and Jesus has provided a way for this to happen. It's called the Atonement, and a major part of it is called repentance. We do our part to repent and Christ takes care of the rest.

And this is excellent news (literally what "Gospel" means). We really can enter heaven -- we really are worthy of this privilege. All of this whipping our backs business is ineffective and unnecessary.

Let's say that I've sinned against my neighbor. I'm struggling to come up with a good sin that's not too egregious -- let's see -- in my anger I grab a bat and totally bash in the front of his car. Headlights smashed. Lots of dents.

After a couple of days, my anger cools down and I start to feel bad. Perhaps I start feeling remorse. Was I right to be angry in the first place? Was it worth damaging his expensive property? Would there be retribution -- would he come after my car?

In this case -- as I believe now -- godly sorrow would be having sadness about my neighbor having to deal with his damaged car. Can he afford to fix it? What about his feelings of security in the neighborhood? What about any chances of friendship? Perhaps I should do something. I should insist on covering all the costs. I need to make it up to him. Let him know what I really feel. Apologize sincerely.

What would not be godly sorrow would be this: I can't believe I did that. I'm a terrible person. I have absolutely no chance to get into heaven now. I need to punish myself. I'm not worthy. I shouldn't even try to make amends, because I'll never undo what I've done. It's permanent. 

Or even worse -- even after paying everything off -- "I can't believe I did that so many years ago. I'm never getting into heaven. I'm not worthy."

That's not godly sorrow. Rather, it's self-pity.

And I think it really comes down to this -- it is not our job to punish ourselves. Leave that to God. If we do our part to repent, then we can move on and grow -- concentrate on the good parts of our lives. Live our lives -- and actually become better people. And always getting closer to God.

Kepler, whom I started with, eventually overcame his feelings of unworthiness, and he excelled, providing the very first mathematically correct model of the solar system. He didn't have to give up religion -- only the bad parts that others had made up -- that were crippling him. We, too, can live our religion and also live up to our full potential. Through Jesus' Atonement and repentance, we can be worthy, we can succeed, and we can be happy in the here-and-now.

Note: This blog entry overlaps considerably with a talk that was given in church today -- we're saying practically the same thing, but emphasizing different aspects. I think she did better than I did -- wish we had a transcript of that talk as well. The subject also came up in our Priesthood meeting, and it all coincided with my Cosmos reading, and it also has some relevance in our weekly reading. Sometimes I wonder if these coincidences are one way that God speaks to us. "Mel needs to really listen to this message, and he's got a thick head -- this will catch his attention."