Another Way to Fight Anger?

In this day and age, we are surrounded by anger. I see it everywhere, especially when people talk politics or about the pandemic. Anger has its uses, but excess anger is never a good thing, always leading to unintended disastrous results.

I have, myself, struggled with anger issues my entire life. People who meet me in person usually see me as this loving caring dude nice to everyone. This image is so hard for anyone to shake that it seems I can do no bad, and I'm forgiven very quickly.

But people who only see me through the internet alone have a total different perspective of me. They don't see the happy-go-lucky guy I am, and judge me solely on my words, and usually see me as some kind of cranky old guy. It's the funniest thing.

No one is immune to anger. It's actually okay to get angry. It's kind of like pain sending a message to your brain that something is wrong with your body. Anger is a way to tell your brain that something needs to be done. What you do with that anger next then becomes of utmost importance.

Often when I get angry with someone, I don't know how to deal. Sometimes I let it build up inside until I blow up -- surprising the person. I almost get the response, "Dude -- I totally thought you were kidding." And sometimes on the internet I let my anger project in comments I write in unfair ways. Is there some other way?

What I'm about to share comes from the Book of Mormon (our church's assigned Sunday School reading for the year), but this message is universal, and I think all readers can benefit.

To set up the verse, this all happens near the end of Alma where Captain Moroni's people are fighting with the enemy and are basically losing the war. Captain Moroni gets angry. He wants the government to send more troops. He thinks they're just sitting in their nice little central city eating meat and fruits, ignoring their blight. So, Moroni writes a very angry letter to Pahoran the governor. It goes on for three full pages (Alma 60), and it gets juicy. Here are some paraphrased excerpts:

I fear God will judge you because of your slothfulness of our government and neglect. People are dying out here. Do you think God will deliver us while you sit on your throne? If you don't send us food and men, I'm going to personally come down with my armies and kill you and correct the government. You are transgressing God's laws and trampling them under your feet ... and so on and on.

At the same time, unknown to Moroni, the governor, Pahoran, is having his own problems. An insurrection has taken the city and exiled him. So, there's no way he can send men and provisions to fight.

Now, imagine you're Pahoran, the governor, receiving this letter. How would you react?

Or better yet ... let's bring this to today. You're on Facebook, and someone's responded to your comment, and they say very nasty things about you ... things that you know aren't true. What's the first thing you're going to do?

If you're anything like me, you're not going to let them get away with that! You must protect your own dignity and reputation -- it is of utmost importance. I don't know how many times I've answered allegations against me point by point. It only seems the natural thing to do. "People have to understand that you can't just throw your own projections and uninformed assumptions on other people. Or in other words ... how dare you judge someone without really knowing that person? Grrr. Grrr."

And almost every time, my attempt fails. The attackee then feels attacked and comes back stronger than before, and then it gets ugly. And both parties are all like: "what's wrong with that dude?" and then nothing gets accomplished.

Surely there's another way?

Well -- this is how Pahoran reacted:

"And now, in your epistle you have censured me, but it mattereth not; I am not angry, but do rejoice in the greatness of your heart." Alma 61: 9 

He then goes on to invite Captain Moroni to come and march against the insurrection. And how did Moroni react? With happiness, and he was more than willing to drop everything immediately and march toward Pahoran, gathering troops along the way. Then within a couple of years, they not only defeated the insurrection, but also worked together to finally defeat the main enemy and bring peace back to the land.

Had Pahoran responded differently ("How dare you accuse me of these false allegations!") the result would have been disastrously different. Pahoran had chosen the better path.

I don't know why, but that simple phrase: "I am not angry" hit me hard. It helped me realize that I've been doing it wrong, and I have to change. I've already tried to make changes in my responses on social media.

And you know Pahoran had to be angry when he got that letter. There's no way he couldn't have had that first gut-feeling reaction. But he quickly gathered his faculties and answered each of Moroni's every concern -- choosing to ignore the allegations against himself (like ad hominems lodged against us on social media), and found a way to get Moroni on his side.

I think our spirituality relies on this idea: instead of reacting, try to understand the concerns of the other person ... speak to those concerns, and get them on your side, and then you'll be in a better position to speak your concerns and have more success in understanding each other.

At least I'm going to give it a try. During this day and age, we could all benefit from such a tactic.