Over this past year, I've shared 12 principles of Self Reliance that I learned while taking a course presented by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I invite you to check these out and see if they can help you succeed. I took the course with the intentions of having it help me grow my new and fledgling music business. Here is a quick summary of all the principles:
#2) Faith. No one succeeds unless they first believe they will ultimately succeed.
#3) Managing money. Hard work and saving money can help us get out of debt and prepare for the future.
#4) Obedience. As we exercise free will, we are usually better off following rules and advice from those who have gone before us.
#5) Use time wisely. Weekly and daily planning sessions can help you get the most out of your time in order to better achieve your goals.
#6) Perseverance. A positive attitude and a desire to push forward can help you achieve goals.
#7) Problem solving. Often, the best way to proceed is to first understand what the true problem is. [Bonus post: #7a -- The cop at the corner. An example of applying an expensive solution when a much simpler one exists.]
#8) Serving together. As people serve and work together, they can help each other achieve much more than they can on their own.
#9) Seek learning. Research and planning can help to formulate effective and achievable goals.
#10) Integrity. Honesty and keeping promises can help your reputation and avoid bad situations.
#11) Listening. Opening your ears and listening can help to accomplish tasks and strengthen relationships.
#12) Temple ordinances. Remembering what is most important in your life can help you maintain a proper perspective and with your decision making.
The 12th and last principle of self reliance is to attend the temple. At first, this may sound like a strange one, but let me try to explain.
For my non-LDS readers, I'll point out that temple attendance represents that which is most important to members of my church. For example, I place a lot of value on the temple marriage between my spouse and me, knowing that it will ensure an eternal existence together in the next life. If I can't be with my family, then what else matters?
Though you may not belong to this church, you undoubtedly have something else that you consider to be most important. Perhaps it's something related to your own church, or your family, or something you've accomplished.
Once you've identified what's most important, you must then do whatever it takes to remember that -- to strengthen it, obtain it, achieve it, or cherish it.
Going back to LDS temples -- these are few, scattered around the world -- less than 200 total. So, in many places, it becomes a sacrifice in and of itself to attend the temple. In my case, it usually takes ninety minutes one way to get to the nearest temple. Though, now that it's closed for renovation, the next closest one is three hours away. With my busy schedule, it's a real sacrifice to go on such a trip.
For many people, the trip itself can also be a big financial burden -- especially outside of the US. So, planning such a trip may, itself, require exercising all the other self reliance principles.
The lesson manual points out several times that "insignificant things" can distract us from what's most important. These are things that pop up every now and then that seem important, to which we may devote much time while losing track of what's really important. Perhaps it's frustrations at work, or an argument with a friend. Or perhaps it's a fun diversion that wastes time.
Whatever pops up, we're best off to continually remember what's really important. For example, in the movie It's a Wonderful Life, George Bailey became so preoccupied with his problems that he quickly forgot how important he was in everyone else's lives.
So, there you go ... remember what's important, and you will do well. You will then naturally want to follow all of the other principles of self reliance, and you will succeed.
If everyone in the world were to follow this one principle (listening), it would solve nearly every problem.
Doesn't it make sense that when you listen, you'll learn more, understand more, and will be able to make better decisions? And isn't it amazing how most people refuse to do it?
This concept is so important that it makes up the most of Stephen Covey's 5th habit: "Seek first to understand, then to be understood."
How exactly does this work? The Self Reliance lesson manual provides the following 4-step process.
1. Concentrate: pay attention to the words and body language, and avoid distractions.
2. Appreciate: look at the speaker, show interest, and express thanks.
3. Review: try to repeat what you just heard.
4. Ask: "Did I understand?" and listen to the answer.
I got to practice some of this, myself, this past year. Even though I had planned certain activities in my music business, I came across a comment that someone made: "It's very difficult to buy sheet music when you can't see what's inside." After asking follow-up questions, I then decided to introduce free choral previews on my website, which appears to have been well received, even though I ended up putting off other business activities for a month. In the end, it appears to have been worth the effort.
Think what could be accomplished in Congress if Democrats and Republicans were to simply listen to each other. How many times have you heard someone from one party complaining about how the other party is stupid and doesn't listen, when in reality it turns out that the person complaining isn't listening either?
The lesson manual also spends a considerable amount of time relating this principle to prayer. It is all too easy to go to our knees, thank God, and ask for things. However, how often do we stop to listen to the answers?
This part is very difficult for me. Very often when I say a prayer, it's usually too noisy, or I'm distracted with something else. Yet there are other times when I find myself ready to listen and I'll receive the answers I need to hear.
The 4 steps above can mostly be applied to prayer as well. There is no "body language" or being able to "look at the speaker," but most everything else applies. God isn't some out-of-reach super-duper-uber-high entity who couldn't care less about our everyday lives. Rather, he has shown over and over that he wishes to talk to us, and all we have to do is to simply listen.
So, give it a try. Over the next week, whomever you run into, listen to what they have to say and seek to understand them. See how they respond when they realize you had been listening. And see what you can learn.
The 10th principle of self reliance may be one of the toughest ones to practice: showing integrity. This is most difficult when being tempted to cheat a little or break some small rule when you think you won't get caught or if you think it's not that important.
Examples may include telling a white lie, claiming tax deductions you don't really qualify for, failing to disclose any problems with a product you're selling, keeping change when a cashier gives too much back, driving over the speed limit or even cutting through a parking lot.
I know ... no one's perfect, and going a few miles over the speed limit isn't going to keep anyone from going to heaven, but we could at least try -- at least where it really counts.
Consider the following story as told by Elder Robert C. Gay during the October 2012 General Conference.
I wonder--how many of you readers have told the movie ticket taker that your 12-year-old child was 11, just to get a cheaper ticket? I've done it, myself, multiple times, especially when we were low on cash. As an expert on financial matters, it is very easy for me to rationalize why this would be okay. Are you ready for this?
Why do movie theaters sell children tickets for cheaper? Because of supply/demand concerns, and also as an incentive to bring more families through the doors. If child ticket prices are too expensive, the adult parents, themselves, will decide not to come watch the movie. Providing cheaper tickets for children actually results in more money coming into the theater.
And when my child just turned 12 years old, she wasn't much different than she was a week prior when she was 11. And we, as a family, were still struggling. Thus the theater would be more than happy to let my child continue to come in cheaper so that they would continue to get revenue from the whole family.
See how easy that was? That's called rationalization, and we all do it every single day. It sounds good and it makes us feel a whole lot better about bending the rules, but when does it ever make it right? And if we're willing to bend a little here and there, where else are we willing to bend?
A couple of decades ago, I used to work at McDonald's, and back then, their training was specific with uniform unbending rules. In particular, I was taught how many pickles were to go on each product. Hamburgers and cheeseburgers get one pickle. Big Macs, double cheeseburgers, and bigger sandwiches get two.
I still eat at McDonald's; I've never outgrown the taste. But I will always check how many pickles I receive. If I get extra pickles, others might say, "Hooray, extra pickles!" But I can't help thinking, "If they're breaking this one rule, what else are they bending? Are they cooking the burgers the full amount? Are they resisting the temptation to drop two baskets of fries at the same time (leading to lower temperatures and undercooked fries)? Are they cleaning their dishes properly and cleaning out the grease on schedule? What about the dining area and the bathrooms?"
The wrong number of pickles signals to me possible reasons to avoid that one particular store, as there are usually plenty of them around to choose from.
And that's a lesson I learned early in life. Sure, I'm not perfect, and I will bend the rules daily, but I also know how damaging it can be when I do get caught. When I fail to do as promised, people will say, "I can't count on Mel." When I drive like a maniac and cut off someone at church, they'll remember it for years. When I pull too many pranks, they'll say, "I can't trust him."
Ultimately, that's why we all need to practice integrity, because it is of utmost importance to gain the trust of people we're dealing with. Especially in business. The more you treat people with respect and fulfill their expectations, the more they return for your services.
Finally, to end on a spiritual note, I'll provide this quote from the late Elder Wirthlin from the April 1990 General Conference.
Integrity means always doing what is right and good, regardless of the immediate consequences. It means being righteous from the very depth of our soul, not only in our actions but, more importantly, in our thoughts and in our hearts. ... A little lying, a little cheating, or taking a little unfair advantage are not acceptable to the Lord. ... The consummate reward of integrity is the constant companionship of the Holy Ghost, ... [who will] guide us in all we do.
The next principle (#9) of Self Reliance looks like another lesson from The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. If you want to get where you want to go, you must first figure out where you want to go, and then figure out how to get there.
First, it helps to formulate a life's mission. What are your desires? What would you like to accomplish? When you come to the end of your life, what would you like to see when you look back, such that you will be able to say, "I had a good life"?
I know. It sounds corny, but it doesn't need to be anything fancy -- just anything you want to write down. It can be changed at any time.
For me, it's to maximize my music and fiction output so as to become a good influence in other people's lives.
Next, you must set goals to help you carry out the life's mission. These can be large goals, small goals, or sub-goals, or even goals of tangental things you want to accomplish, even if it doesn't directly relate to your life's mission.
The Self Reliance lesson manual lists 5 characteristics of a good goal:
#1) Specific and measurable.
#2) Written down and displayed.
#3) Have completion times.
#4) Require specific actions to accomplish.
#5) Constantly reviewed and updated.
My life coach gives another set of 5 characteristics that are very similar. Perhaps you'll like this list better:
Specific Measurable Action Oriented Realistic Time Based
With this in mind, an incomplete goal would be: "I want to lose weight." Without specific numbers in mind, you probably won't lose much weight.
A better, but still incomplete goal would be: "I want to lose 20 pounds." Without a time limit, you could be on this diet forever, get frustrated, and stop.
A bad goal would be: "I want to lose 20 pounds in 1 week," as it is unrealistic.
A perfect goal would be: "I want to lose 20 pounds in 4 months." This goal is specific, measurable, actionable, realistic, and time bound. If you write it down and constantly review and update as needed, then you're well on your way.
Finally, the manual suggests finding a mentor to help keep you in line. This is exactly what I had decided to do about three years ago. I found and hired a life coach, and he helped me to align my priorities. It's helped me to start my own business and to push forward in growing that business. It's helped me to reach out to colleagues and learn valuable information.
As a result, I am now much closer to carrying out my life's mission. I still meet with my life coach, as there's still a long way to go.
So, if you want fulfillment in this life -- figure out how to get there. Do the necessary research. Learn what you have to do. Enlist friends and colleagues to help you in your quest. And never give up!
Self reliance is a way for people like you and me to work together for our mutual benefit. This sounds like one of the core principles from The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.
Here's how it works.
Let's say someone does a task alone. 1 unit of effort provides 1 unit of results. Another person doing a similar task alone also exerts 1 unit of effort for 1 unit of results. What happens when these two people work together? If each exerts 1 unit of effort, will it add up to 2 units of results?
Surprisingly, the answer often turns out to be greater than 2. Think about it. If the tasks are similar, then the to-do list can be split between the two workers, and both can receive higher benefits from the same amount of effort. Thus 1 + 1 becomes 3 (averaging 1.5 units of results per person) or even higher.
Stephen Covey, in his book, refers to this as synergy. When two parties listen to each other and determine how each can best contribute, the result can be a deal that benefits both of them greatly, what one would call a win/win situation.
To kick this up a notch, consider this: In life, we are all in different stages. For example, some are mature, capable adults, while others are inexperienced children. Some are financially set for life, while some must beg for each meal. As such, we may often find ourselves to be in a position to help others.
When someone comes to you for help, how do you react? Many of us will say, "These people are lazy. I worked hard to be where I am, and why should I help these people?" When we have this attitude, we may be missing a wonderful opportunity.
Imagine flying on an airplane with your young child. The cabin pressure suddenly drops, and oxygen masks come down. You, being experienced, know enough to put the oxygen mask on, but your child may not know what to do. Would it make sense to leave it to the child to put on his own mask, or would you help him to do the task?
It's similar with those who are in need. They may not know how to be self-reliant, but with a little bit of help, they may be able to get there.
On the airplane, when you put on your child's mask, you are simultaneously teaching him how to do it, preparing him for future similar events.
Also, get this: when the masks come down, do you first put the mask on your child? Or do you put your mask on first before you help your child? If you don't put on your mask first, you could possibly go unconscious before finishing, thus endangering both lives. Likewise with self-reliance, it's difficult to help someone when you are yourself in need.
In May 2012, Elder Robert D. Hales said, "The purpose of both temporal and spiritual self-reliance is to get ourselves on higher ground so that we can lift others in need."
Whatever we learn in life can be passed on to others, and we can help others through our service, while also teaching them how to gain their own self reliance. Often the favor can be returned when we, ourselves, become the ones in need.
Also, service can be a way to help us become closer to the Lord.
Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf said in May 2011, "Often, the answer to our prayers does not come while we're on our knees but while we're on our feet serving the Lord and serving those around us. Selfless acts of service and consecration refine our spirits, remove the scales from our spiritual eyes, and open the windows of heaven. By becoming the answer to someone's prayer, we often find the answer to our own."
Thus, service becomes a win/win situation to everyone involved. Spiritual synergy is obtained, more people become edified, and are all elevated to higher levels.
So, next time you have an opportunity, try it out. Provide service. Help someone move. Provide a gift. Provide support to those suffering from a disaster. Be a listening ear. And see what blessings will arise and see if everyone is lifted up. See if you can witness firsthand spiritual synergy.
In my city there is a moderately busy intersection. Just as most traffic lights in Winston Salem seem to behave, this one allows left turns only when the left arrow is green (aka a "protected left turn"). When it's a red arrow, you can't turn, even when there is an opening as traffic is flowing straight on both sides. In other words, drivers are not allowed to "yield on green" when turning left.
The problem with this intersection is that most of the time, it would be very easy to turn left on a red arrow, as there are usually many openings. This seems to annoy many people. About 40% of the time that I go through the intersection, I'll see someone cut through the corner parking lot to make the left turn. They do this because they know they can turn left faster than waiting for the light.
For you local folks, I'm specifically talking about driving south on Reynolda Road turning left on Fairlawn Drive.
In many places, cutting through the parking lot is illegal, and it most likely annoys the heck out of the bank and gas station who own the lot. In fact, the increased traffic was enough to create potholes that had to be repaved recently.
Using your problem solving skills, can you think of any good remedies to fix this situation?
One solution implemented years ago: install speed bumps. Yet this does not deter these miscreant left-turners. It's still faster than waiting for the light.
Another more passive solution: educate people how to follow the laws, and then rely on them to make the right choices. (Yeah -- right.)
A couple of times I've seen a police car sitting in the parking lot. Now, this is an interesting solution. I've seen Winston Salem employ this tactic throughout the whole city. What they like to do is to park a random police car in a parking lot. Sometimes there will be someone in it, and sometimes not. I think the idea is that if you see the police car (empty or not), you're going to behave.
But how much does it cost to leave a police car parked in a lot? And how much more would it cost to have someone man the car waiting for left-turning miscreants? And how much crime is being missed because of these efforts?
If only there could be some other solution!
Why I bring up this conundrum: most of the time when a problem arises, more often than not, discussions center around how to deter the miscreants. How can we stop the jerks? How can we punish them?
And more often than not, the true problem is missed entirely. Think about it. If these miscreants are turning left, it's only because they are able to -- safely. This is nothing more than pointing out inefficiencies in the traffic light setup. If left-turns are prohibited during times when they could otherwise be executed safely, the prohibitions are doing nothing more than creating needless congestion and slowing down traffic.
The correct, least-expensive, and most efficient solution to this problem would be to install a yield on green traffic signal at this spot.
Think about it. Once you understand the incentives of the miscreant left-turners, you'll see how this solution could change their behavior. Now, being able to yield on green, it would actually be faster to go up to the light and wait for that safe opening than to cut through the parking lot.
Then, all of a sudden there is no more need of the speed bumps or cops at the corner. Traffic through the lot decreases, cops can spend more time fighting real crime, congestion is lowed, efficiency is gained, and traffic flows more freely. A win-win solution!
Now I challenge you to look around. Look at politics, organizations, and anywhere decisions are made, and notice the stuff that annoys you. I bet you'll find that more often than not, decision makers will put the cop at the corner instead of solving the true problem.
Once you understand the true incentives that drive behaviors, it will most often lead to the most efficient and effective solutions.
Sometimes the problem in fixing something is understanding exactly what the problem is. Consider the following video as these friends try to run a fruit business:
Yes. It's easy to recognize when something is broken. The friends in the video above came to realize they weren't making any money. As observers, we can easily see what the problem is. They're selling the melons at the same exact price they're buying it, which doesn't make any money.
When we know the true issue, we can come up with solutions. They could sell the melons at a higher price, or they could buy the melons at a lower price. Either way, they would get a profit.
We can also see that the one friend's suggestion of getting a larger truck won't help one bit.
But then again -- think about this. It could have the illusion of helping. If they switched to a larger truck, it might be more expensive, but it would also be fewer trips, thus possibly lowering overall costs. It could sound good on paper, but still not fix the underlying problem of making negative profits.
I see this a lot at work, in politics, and even at church. People see some problem and come up with solutions that address some of the issues, while leaving the main problem unsolved. Several times, I've seen millions or billions of dollars spent on a project that solves only a portion of the problem, when a much cheaper solution could have more easily solved the entire thing.
But then again, in this complex world, it can be very difficult to determine causes of issues.
Think of one of those doctor shows where a patient comes in with an unknown sickness. First, the doctors have to run tests, just to see what the problem is. Often, this involves a little guesswork, inspiration, and analysis of test results. Then the doctors are able to form a diagnosis, meaning "We finally know what the problem is." And then they begin treatment. Usually in these shows, the treatment is shown only in the last minute or two, as most of the fun is in locating the problem.
On a personal level, we all have issues that need addressing. And again, this same concept applies. We must first determine the cause before we fix it. Sometimes it's something simple, like small-scale problems that pop up every day. Or it could also apply to a larger project we might be working on.
The LDS Self Reliance module teaches the following three-step process that we can all use to solve all kinds of problems.
#1) Stop and take the time to IDENTIFY the real problem. Sometimes just stopping to think is all that is needed, but more often than not, we might not get it right on the first try. If you suspect more than one possible problem, you can start by picking the one that looks to be the most probable.
#2) STUDY OPTIONS for solving the problem that you've identified. Brainstorm. Realize that it may or may not work, but trying something is better than leaving the problem unresolved.
#3) DECIDE AND ACT. Pray about it. Pick a solution, and implement. If it works, then you're done. Else you can go back to #1 or #2 and try again.
We all have the capability to think and act. We will most likely make mistakes along the way, but following this system of problem solving, we can learn to more effective identify and solve our problems, and live happier lives.
As part of my "Why People Leave Church" series, today I'd like to explore a recent trend plaguing the nation, brainstorm how we can combat it, and finally relate it to church attendance.
First off, I'll start with three recent news events. While you read, take note of your reactions.
#1) Papa John's former CEO and founder, John Schnatter, admitted to using the N‑word in a professional setting -- a conference call with an ad agency. Story here. Since then, Schnatter has been forced to resign and his image has been removed from all marketing materials.
#2) Adam Bloom, some random HOA board member, singled out a black woman at his neighborhood pool and asked her to show her ID. When she refused, he called the cops and things didn't go too well for him. A copy of the raw footage here. Since then, Bloom has resigned from the HOA and has also lost his day job.
#3) Roseanne Barr posted several racist tweets. ABC promptly fired her and removed her show "Roseanne" from its airwaves and websites.
I'll admit that my first gut reaction is to say something along the lines of: "That's terrible and racist. These people deserve whatever's coming to them." But then as I learned more, I was surprised to find that there is more to each of these stories. Let's take a quick closer look.
#1) It later came to light that John Schnatter, in that meeting, was actually speaking out against racism and the inappropriateness of using the N-word. When the ad agency suggested hiring Kanye West to represent the company, Schnatter answered no, because Kanye uses the N-word in his music. He then later proceeded to quote Colonel Sanders directly, but then said he could never be like Sanders. You can read John's side of the story at the bottom of this linked article.
#2) The Adam Bloom story happened in my city, so I'm privy to some information that may or may not have reached the national news. Bloom's lawyer has made a statement here. I strongly recommend reading it. It turns out that Bloom is an all-opportunity jerk, having thrown out several non-residents (some of whom were white) from the pool over the past several years, all in the name of doing his job. He has also thrown out actual residents who then came back with their ID (or their mother) to get back in. From the evidence it's clear that Ms. Edwards contributed her fair share into the confusion and in helping this story to become national news.
#3) I picked the Roseanne Barr story because there really isn't any defending her. Though, it seems difficult to find the actual tweets, so it's difficult to judge fully. But I do know this: she has been more than apologetic since then. We all make mistakes ... especially comedians who are almost expected to say things on the edge.
I don't think she deserved the punishment she received. Cancelling and removing her show is overkill and punishes a lot of other people. It has all the visage of righteousness, even coming with some statement about Barr's tweets going against company values, but it also comes with a healthy dose of hypocrisy in that several ABC shows aren't exactly exhibiting good values, often relying themselves on slightly offensive jokes. It also takes us one step closer to Fahrenheit 451.
And the worst part: it demonstrates non-forgiveness. Hold on to this thought as I move back to the other two stories.
Adam Bloom, the pool guy: did you know that he and his family had to be relocated to an undisclosed location for their own protection from death threats?
John Schnatter: there's every indication that he was standing up against racism, and yet he's being ousted from the company he started.
What bothers me is that the general public is more than ready to throw stones at these people. It's almost as if we all have this innate desire to prove that we aren't racist, so as soon as we see anything that looks even remotely like racism, we'll jump on it, condemn it, and yell at the top of our voices. Some of us will call for being fired, or evidently, even blood.
But then when more details become available, the general public no longer wants to hear anything. "You're a racist, so we're not going to believe anything that comes out of your mouth. Who cares what the context was in John Schnatter's utterance? Who cares that Adam Bloom used to kick out white men non-residents from his pool? Who cares that any of these people are apologetic and want to make things right?"
This all shows that we have become the Judging and Unforgiving States of America, and this is not a good development. This is not righteous judgment, but rather unrighteous and hypocritical judgment.
And if this continues, there can be only one outcome: you will be next. You're going to wake up one day, and it's going to be another boring morning, and you're going to have no idea what's going to hit you later on that day. You'll be at work, and you'll make this big mistake -- whether intentional, or nonintentional -- or perhaps someone will frame you -- and then someone will take out their phone, video the event, and everything will be presented out of context on YouTube. Then it'll be your turn to have your life ruined, and nobody will listen to your side of the story.
Then perhaps at that time you'll understand what our country has become.
Quick note: for brevity, I've restricted the discussion to racism, but this problem is more wide-spread than just racism -- it also includes just about anything that offends anyone.
If anyone has watched the TV show The Orville, you may have seen episode #7, "Majority Rule," one of the better episodes of the first season. If you happen to have Hulu, I highly recommend watching that one episode, as it satires the very issue that I'm talking about right now. (Note: this is a standalone episode that you can watch and enjoy without having to watch other episodes.)
In this episode, the crew visits a planet where everything is determined by up/down votes. If you get too many down votes, you could receive dangerous brainwashing treatments. When a crew member (John) messes around, the surrounding inhabitants are offended. They pull out their phones and the crew member immediately gets into trouble.
Here's a clip ...
After the apology tour goes humorously awry, the only way his friends can save him is to basically upload fake videos of him being a nice human. It's very clever satire of a very serious situation in our nation.
What can we do about this trend? From a big-picture view, I don't know what can be done. There are just too many participants. Perhaps it's too late to avoid Fahrenheit 451. You could always remove yourself as a participant and hope others follow suit. You could learn to use reason to judge rather than the initial emotional gut-feeling. You could also stand up and be an advocate for considering the other side of the story.
And finally, there is definitely something you can do on the local level, and this is where church attendance comes in to play.
None of us is perfect. And none of us is the same as others are, though it seems we'd like it to be that way. I like to watch who approaches whom when a new person comes to church. A clean-cut person is more likely to be welcomed than a person who smells like smoke, or someone who comes in wearing holey jeans.
It's just so easy to judge a person in only five seconds of sizing-up, but there's no way anyone (Monk included) could know a person that fast. And if a person feels they're not welcome, they're not going to come back to church.
Smelling like smoke could trigger the thought: "This person will never fit in our church. He'll probably ask us for money all the time." The holey jean person may trigger: "This guy isn't serious about church. Maybe he shouldn't come."
But then again, perhaps these people need to come to church, and pushing them away would be the last thing to do.
Also, I've seen the damage that the rumor mills can cause. I've seen good people fall away because of things that have been said. Often, it's much easier to believe the "juicy" details than it is to try to get the full story.
I don't know how many times I've been told, "Stay away from <blah> because he's done <blah blah blah>." I usually end up ignoring that advice and talking to <blah> anyway. I try to make friends with everyone, and I try not to be judgmental, and I've yet to have it blow up in my face.
I'd like to think that my small actions might have helped some people come back to church, and that possibly my being friendly to visitors helped as well.
So, there you go. While we continue trying to live in the uprising Judging and Unforgiving States of America, perhaps we can all remember what we need to combat, how we can do our part, and what we can do on a local level -- even in our church congregations. We can all become better and less hypocritical people, while at the same time helping to bring more people back to church.
This post is more of an announcement than anything else. I feel impressed to spend more time on this blog, as there is much to be said, and I may offer a unique perspective.
Most recently, I have been concerned by the news of friends leaving the church (whether it be LDS, Christianity, or all religion altogether) for all kinds of different reasons. In addition, I've had my own recent struggles, giving me new perspective on this issue.
Thus I would like to launch a series of posts touching on why people leave, and what can be done about it. With the realization that some topics might be on the interesting side, remember that my intentions are to help to strengthen testimonies, identify ways to reach out to those who left, and to discuss how to help current members maintain their activity.
With this announcement, here are the following plans for this blog:
Continue working on the "Why I'm A Mormon" book.
Finish the series on Self Reliance principles.
Explore how to strengthen the membership of the Church.
Present a few works of LDS fiction.
Continue to discuss random religious topics.
UPDATE: This is a list of all the posts tied into this "How to Keep People in the Church" series. I'll update this list when I introduce more posts.
It Is Well with My Soul -- this includes the story about how close I came to leaving the Church and what saved me
Judge Not -- how we're living in an unforgiving and judgmental nation, and how we can use a nonjudgmental attitude to help people stay in church
The Cop at the Corner -- introduces the concept of making decisions that punish people rather than solving the true underlying problems
Do you ever feel stuck in life? And do you ever feel like no matter what you do, you can't seem to get ahead? If so, it turns out that this is the best time to exercise perseverance.
Often, when we feel overwhelmed and we start wondering why we even try to do the things that we're trying to do, the temptation is very strong to give up and stick with simpler tasks. I've been there and I do this often. Most of the time, I turn to relaxing and playing video games or watching TV.
However, sometimes I decide to stick with the task at hand and push forward to the end, and something good happens. Often I find ways to speed up the task -- that is, I learn how to do it more efficiently and with less effort. Sometimes I find an alternative solution that's just as good as what I was trying to accomplish. Either way, when I actually finish something, I usually take a brief moment to take pride in the accomplishment.
Then comes what I like to call the "establishment principle." Once you establish something (build an item, create a work, strengthen a relationship), it generally cannot be undone, and in most cases it ends up laying down a framework for accomplishing more difficult tasks, or to make other tasks simpler. For example, if a lawn mower is built, it becomes much easier and faster to cut the grass. If you make a hammer, you can more easily build a home. If you compose a piece of music, you can take what you learned to compose other similar pieces more quickly.
But starting from scratch, coming out of debt, or just being overwhelmed with tasks at home, it's just going to take a long time to pull up to the next level. That's where perseverance comes in. First, you must realize that it's your own responsibility to do what needs to be done, and then to never give up.
James E. Faust said, "Perseverance is demonstrated by those who ... don't give up even when others say, 'It can't be done.'" I can't tell you how many times I have lived this idea, especially when it comes to programming. A couple of years ago, my place of work needed to pull together this really complicated file. They turned to consultants that talked about how difficult the task would be and how it would take almost two years and how expensive it would be. They pulled me in and told me what they wanted, and it was crazy, requiring code to write code, and I said, "I'll figure out a way." Two weeks later I had working code, and it did exactly what they wanted.
Here are the four steps of perseverance as listed in the Self Reliance manual.
1) Keep a positive attitude -- list your blessings.
2) Remember to work together -- don't be afraid to ask for help from friends, neighbors, etc.
3) Replace fear with faith -- doubt is the #1 thing that breaks our forward motion -- if you turn to God, he can help you overcome.
4) Move forward with patience and courage -- never give up and endure with faith.
People always ask me where I find the time to do all the things I've accomplished (while at the same time, I'm usually frustrated with how much I'm NOT accomplishing -- how much more is left to be done -- I suppose that never goes away). Either way, the answer is right here: Don't quit. Push forward and eventually you'll be flying.
Looks like I took a couple of months off on this blog; other things have been taking precedence, and then it fell off my radar. It's the story of my life. There are so many important things I would like to get done, but more "urgent" fires need putting out, and then I forget. Often I feel that I'm stuck and there is no direction in life.
In Alice in Wonderland, the Cheshire Cat teaches that if you don't know where you're going, then it doesn't matter which way you go, and that's when you really feel lost. Often the battle is to first decide exactly where you want to end up. It's not enough to say, "I want to get out of this situation." You must know what you want to do instead and then it becomes easier to find how to get there.
Thus it helps to set goals. You can set lifetime goals, five-years-from-now goals, yearly goals, monthly goals, and even weekly goals. These provide direction and help us to achieve tasks we wish to accomplish.
In the realm of self reliance, goals can help you get out of debt, find a better job, organize your finances, and even in promoting a business.
Then once you have good long-term goals, it helps to have daily mini-planning sessions to help organize the time of the day. What do you want to work on that day? How can you push forward?
The Self Reliance lesson manual suggests the following 5-point plan for optimizing daily time.
List Tasks: Make a this list in the morning of things you want to accomplish.
Pray: Review the list, pray for guidance, and commit to do your best.
Set Priorities: Determine which tasks are the most important -- perhaps putting a "1" on the highest priority, and a "2" on the next, and so on.
Set Goals, Act: Follow the Spirit to know how to proceed, and work down the list.
Report: At the end of the day, pray to God and report on how you did, and ask how you can do better.
Okay, a little honesty here: I don't have time to do all that every single day, but I've incorporated some of these principles, and a month ago, I believe that I've successfully altered my goal system to something that better fits the way my brain works, and also minimizes time I spend administering the system. This also borrows from principles learned from 7 Habits.
Weekly Planning Session
Every week, I have a planning session -- no more than an hour. I consider my yearly/monthly goals and determine what I want to concentrate on. I make a list, using the todoist.com system. It's free and flexible. It works on desktops, phones, iPads, etc. (you have to download the free app). So, I can open it and use it practically anywhere.
During the weekly session, I go ahead and split the tasks among the following seven days and assign priorities, of which there are four different levels. The default is Priority 4 (white color), and the highest is Priority 1 (dark red color). Tasks left done from prior weeks stay on the list and have their priorities escalated. For example, I added "Blog -- Principle #5" on my list a month ago, which I left undone until this past week when it obtained Priority 1. Thus I remembered today and finally got around to it.
Daily Routine
The weekly sessions not only help me reach my long-term goals, but it also helps me to save time during the week. Every day, I only need to look at the list I had already put together for that day. Thus Step #1 above is already done. Step #3 is also already done.
I then prayerfully and thoughtfully move the list around. With Todoist, you can click and drag to rearrange the order of the tasks (within each priority level). Thus I can set the order of events for the day. This usually takes only a couple of minutes. Sometimes I'll move something from the "Overdue" list to today.
At the end of the day, I consider what I accomplished. The unfinished tasks will move into the "Overdue" status at midnight, but that's okay. I've learned that worrying about what you didn't get done is not productive. Rather, it's better to celebrate what you did get done. If you can say at the end of the day, "I worked hard," then it was a good day. You can attack the undone tasks at some later time.
With this setup, I'm able to spend more than 95% of my time actually accomplishing the tasks rather than having extensive daily planning sessions wondering what to do. When I accomplish a task, I just check off the circle, and the task is removed from my list. It also never gets old -- the joy I get from being able to click a circle.
Hopefully you can find or refine your own goal system so that you can move closer toward strengthening your own self reliance, and closer to achieving your dreams. Go and do it -- test it out, and see if it works.
The fourth principle of self-reliance is repentance and obedience. The manual first asks how these two concepts are connected to self-reliance. I'll first analyze the religious side of this question, and then come back around showing how it relates to temporal matters -- again this whole thing about temporal and spiritual being the same.
We are all familiar with commandments: the ten commandment such as don't kill, don't steal, don't cheat, etc. There are other commandments sprinkled throughout the scriptures, such as paying tithing, being nice to your neighbors, and so on. We Mormons have additional commandments such as don't smoke, don't drink alcohol, and so on.
Outside of church, we also have laws of the land which must be followed: pay your taxes, don't let your grass grow too tall, don't make loud noises at night, etc. Everywhere a sign!
What good are all of these commandments and laws? When we ignore or "break" a commandment, this is usually concurrent with committing a sin, which will then require repentance -- some kind of restitution and remorse, and then returning back to following the commandment. Breaking a civil law can further lead to fines, jail time, or other punishments.
I've had several people tell me, "I could never be a Mormon--there are too many rules." But I'll let you in on a little secret.
You don't have to follow a single commandment or law!
When it comes down to it, having to follow all these rules is 100% optional. This is otherwise known as free will, or in other words, the freedom to do whatever you want to do. Commandments and laws do not take this freedom away from you.
However, the consequences are mandatory. Sure, you're free to kill your neighbor, but then you would be punished--thrown into jail or even a more severe punishment. Many commandments are like this--breaking them leads to punitive consequences.
On the other hand, most commandments also have positive rewards when followed, such as being nice to your neighbors, which usually results in reciprocal niceness landing on you.
Commandments and laws exist to help us enjoy life to its maximal potential. A series of simple rules helps us to avoid pitfalls and to work well with others. Not smoking can help me not die of lung cancer (and living longer allows me to enjoy more of life). Not drinking may help me not get involved in a driving accident (and staying out of jail gives me more freedom in the long run).
Thus, following these rules, which looks like limiting freedoms in the short run, actually ends up providing much more freedom and choices in the long run. So far, in the first 49 years of my life, I feel that following the "Mormon" rules has overall helped me to live a full and rich life that has provided me with many different opportunities to choose from.
There is a law, irrevocably decreed in heaven before the foundations of this world, upon which all blessings are predicated—And when we obtain any blessing from God, it is by obedience to that law upon which it is predicated.
I also call this the "no-duh" scripture. You reap what you sow. Every action has its consequences.
The lesson manual then asks us to do this strange exercise, which sounds backwards at first. It says to write down three blessings you want to receive, and then write down the corresponding laws or principles to obey. I've always thought that it's best to just follow the rules and commandments, and then let the blessings follow from your choices. After all, are we really supposed to be doing good deeds just to get personal blessings? Isn't that selfish? (Look for a bonus funny clip on this topic at the bottom.)
But this exercise helps to answer the initial question at the top of this post. It provides an alternative way of looking at how commandments work. If you don't know where you're going, it doesn't really matter what you choose to do.
And that's the key to self-reliance.
If you know what you want, you must first learn how to get there, and then you must follow the appropriate plan to have success. Following the plan is like following a commandment, and the results at the end are the reward.
For example, in my music publishing business, if I want thousands of people to play my music, I have no choice but to exercise persistence and diligence in getting the word out. Well, I do have a choice--I could choose not to advertise, but if I go that route, I know my music will not be played. So, the choice is clear. I could either relax now and enjoy playing video games, or I can spend a little bit of effort now and have the joy of hearing someone else play my music.
Are you willing to do what it takes to get where you want to go?
P. S.: Here is that funny clip I promised earlier. Joey and Phoebe from the TV show Friends have a surprisingly intelligent discussion about there being no true selfless acts. After doing a good deed, the simple good feeling of doing something good makes us selfish creatures. Yet, Phoebe tries to prove she can do a truly selfless act. (Warning: mild language)
The third principle of self-reliance is managing money -- this time focusing on temporal skills rather than the spiritual. But don't forget as discussed in principle #1, temporal matters are also spiritual matters. For example, D&C 104:78 says: "And again, verily I say unto you, concerning your debts--behold it is my will that you should pay all your debts."
I like to think that I've always done well managing money. In fact, my work colleagues will often laugh at my desire to eat cheaper lunches. They'll say, "Surely you can afford to pay $15 for lunch." And sure, I could, but I'd rather spend that money elsewhere and not waste it away on just an hour of my enjoyment. When you budget, you can plan how much money goes to which categories. You can plan a big trip with the family, or build up an emergency fund. Currently, we're working toward replacing some furniture.
However, most of the US appears to have a big debt crisis. Here's a good read:
As we pile up on debt, interesting things happen. Choices become limited to us--that is fewer entities will provide further credit. Emergencies can devastate us financially with no hope of recovery. Less money will go to our children when we die--creditors get their money first until assets run out. And when creditors lose money, they become less willing to lend money to others, which results in higher interest rates, and so on.
Robert D. Hales said, "There seems to be a sense of entitlement in today's culture. ... When we become burdened with excessive debt, we have placed ourselves in self-imposed servitude, spending all of our time, all of our energy, and all of our means in the repayment of debts. ... It is essential that we ... develop a spending and savings plan--a budget--and distinguish between wants and needs."
I have learned the virtues of waiting for the "wants," leaving open possibilities and having more financial freedoms in the long run. And I've witnessed what happens when people get the "wants" first and end up dodging creditors and experiencing the feeling of being financially trapped.
So how does one manage money? The lesson manual provides a 4-step process.
Step #1) Work hard and smart to receive money.
I don't know many people who haven't been tempted by get-rich schemes. Even I have have tried a couple. Of course it hardly ever pans out. I wouldn't complain if a million dollars landed in my checking account from some nice philanthropic dude, but on the most part I've earned most of my money the old-fashioned slow-and-steady way.
By the way, do you know what JOB stands for? Just Over Broke. And that's what it often feels like, but at least I can look back and take pride in how I got where I am today. I've been honest in my dealings. I've worked for practically every penny, and I've taken every available opportunity to increase that income. Hopefully it will translate into an early retirement so I can finally spend a lot more time writing music and fiction.
Step #2) Pay the Lord first.
Yeah--I know. I get a lot of flack from atheists/agnostics, and even other religionists about the idea of paying tithing.
Atheists will say, "You're wasting your money. Of course a religious text is going to say 'Pay the Lord first' as that translates into 'give us money.'" That's understandable. Any atheists reading this can skip this part. Though I realize 10% is a big chunk of money (it could fund a family vacation or cover debt and emergency expenses), I still think it does go to a good cause. When I pay tithing, it feels like I'm helping other people.
Other religionists will say, "I prefer the collection plate mentality where you pay whatever you can when it comes around." However, to me this seems to translate into "pay the Lord second." This is understandable when one is struggling just to survive on what little cash they're receiving. I've been there several times.
I don't know how many stories I've heard where people choose to pay their tithing first and the "heavens are opened" and they received unexpected blessings. One time my wife and I had only $25 in our banking account and no job during the summer--very stressful, but we still paid tithing, and we have never run out of money since.
Yet I strongly suspect that when one chooses to pay tithing first, something else happens. That person most likely takes a good look at his financial situation and then makes decisions that allow the tithing to be paid. The decision making itself helps the person get out of financial troubles, and that's what ends up bringing on the "opening of the heavens." I don't think paying the Lord second ends in the same place.
Step #3) Pay ourselves second.
This one makes sense, though sometimes it's very difficult. There have been times for me when this was impossible, but you should always strive to set aside money for a rainy day. Many jobs offer payments into 401k's with nice matches, but keep in mind that you can't touch that money until you retire. You can also put money into a more liquid savings or money market account. It took me decades to build up my emergency fund, and it's served its purpose several times.
If you're able to pull this one off, it could possibly help you to retire early, or even enjoy life more along the way.
Step #4) Spend less than we earn and avoid debt.
This last one should be called the no-duh rule. If you're spending more than you earn, it's unsustainable. You're going to run out of credit, and then comes financial entrapment and being a burden on others. During my college years, I ended up having to do some creative things with debt, but when I started receiving a more steady income, that debt went away very quickly. And yeah ... during those hard times, it was very difficult to splurge on anything, hardly eating out, getting our furniture from discarded items in the neighborhood dumpster, and so on. I remember saving up money to buy a $100 CD player with good sound -- and we were excited about it. Those were the days!
The biggest part of this is maintaining a budget. First spend a month recording all the money you spend, and then analyze where it all goes. Compare the expenses to what you earn, and see where you can make changes. What can you cut out? What needs more attention? How can you save a little for yourself? Can you see a way to get ahead on your debt?
Just a little discipline can change everything, and eventually get yourself on top of it all. It could take a few years to get there, but it's well worth it. The old-fashioned slow-and-steady way works more than any other failed get-rich-quick schemes.
Finally, to reiterate what I said in Principle #1: I don't know how many times I've heard these concepts discussed in LDS lessons, firesides, and seminars. In particular, I've heard Marvin J. Ashton's "One For the Money" lesson taught several times. (I highly recommend reading his 12-point plan for improving finances.)
With this in mind, it's no surprise to me that many Mormons end up being successful in life. It's engrained in our way of thinking. But yet, many of us still struggle, and there's always room for improvement.
Continuing with the 12-week seminar on Self Reliance: "Starting and Growing My Business," today I will touch on the second principle of self reliance, which is exercising faith in Jesus Christ.
I'll start off with this big question: how in the world can having faith in Christ help us to be self reliant? How can a spiritual idea like this help us succeed in business?
In my profession, I run into several atheists who have achieved self reliance and are successful in what they do. Thus it seems logical to conclude that faith in Christ is not a prerequisite to success. I'll come back to this a little later, but for now I'll give this quick answer. My atheist friends all have one thing in common. Though they may not have faith in Christ, they have faith in something. You can think about this while I continue on...
The self-reliance lesson manual analyzes a not-so-well-known story from the Old Testament. In Joshua 3, the Israelites are almost at the promised land, but they must first cross the River Jordan. The Lord tells them that when the bearers of the ark step into the water, the waters will part and the whole group can pass on dry ground.
The important thing here is that the ark bearers must first get their feet wet before the miracle happens. They must have faith and do their part first.
And that's how life works. Nobody accomplishes any task unless they first have faith that they may succeed. In the secular world, this is known as taking risks.
For example, I still have no idea if my music publishing business is going to succeed. I can't see the future, but I certainly want it to succeed, even though I can see a worst case scenario. If I sell nothing, then all I have a really expensive paperweight. (I suppose I could start opening it up for personal use and my kids' homework would look pretty awesome.) Yet, I took a chance and shelled out the big bucks before knowing for sure beforehand what the outcome would be.
Then again, there's only one certainty. If you don't try, you'll definitely not succeed.
So, look at everyone out there you know who has started a business and is making the big bucks. There isn't a single person among those who didn't first have faith in themselves and in the possibility that they may succeed. They saw potential and they took on the risk. They did what had to be done.
In my case, I know I'm good at music. And my day job has given me valuable knowledge on how to run a business. I have high hopes that I can eventually turn my startup into a profitable venture and benefit many people.
Of course, you also have the others who tried and failed. But guess what! They're all smarter people now. They have gained knowledge. Perhaps they can try again, but next time they'll know what not to do.
This all ties back to my first question. My atheist friends don't believe in a religion, but they do believe in themselves and had enough faith to take the initial risks, and as they take on risks, they succeed.
But what does faith in Christ get you? For one thing, having faith in Him also gives us practice in having faith in other things. Also, doctrine and the scriptures give good advice that easily relates to our everyday life.
Richard G. Scott said in 1984, "I bear witness that [the Book of Mormon] can become a personal 'Urim and Thummim' in your life."
A few weeks ago when we were on this lesson, I chose to go a whole week reading one random scripture a night from the Book of Mormon (turning pages randomly and laying my finger down on the page). I was surprised that I could find applications in my music business -- even a couple of scriptures warning me of paths not to go down.
Thus, even though having faith in Christ and his church may not be a prerequisite to success, it can certainly help. My friends joke about how Mormons always seem to be rich or successful. I haven't seen any mathematical studies on the subject, but I would expect that one would find a strong correlation between religious belief and a predisposition for success.
Hey everyone. I've decided to come back and work some more on this blog. With early church this year (meaning 9AM or earlier), I will have more time in the afternoon to come here and opine on the spiritual.
Currently I'm attending the 12-week seminar on Self Reliance: "Starting and Growing My Business." Already halfway done, it's proven to be a good all around experience -- confirming many principles I already knew, and a few others I needed to learn. Hopefully it will help me grow my already-existing Melkim Publishing and get it off the ground.
Each week we study a specific spiritual principle related to self reliance, and apply it to the temporal needs of growing a business. Other modules use the exact same principles, but apply it to finding a job, balancing the checkbook, or gaining an education. (I highly recommend participating if you get a chance.)
Even though I'm 6 weeks into the program, I'm going to backtrack and start posting here about each of the 12 principles, adding my own thoughts.
This week, the first principle is the fact that self-reliance is itself a spiritual concept.
Whatever causes us to be dependent on someone else for decisions or resources we could provide for ourselves weakens us spiritually and retards our growth toward what the gospel plan intends us to be.
For example, if I'm able to work a job, but I instead choose to stay at home and depend on my friends, government, and church for sustenance, then I would be a burden on others. On the temporal side, I would be causing others to have less money to spend. And on the spiritual side I could be weakening friendships and relationships, and would be progressing much slower toward the end goal.
The temporal burdens thus translate into spiritual consequences, which resonates with the message in D&C 29:34. "Wherefore, verily I say unto you that all things unto me are spiritual."
When I talked with my family about these concepts, my son brought up a good point. The Church is really big on helping other people. But when we help people, aren't we stepping in and interrupting their opportunities to be self-reliant, and thus helping to hinder their own spiritual progression?
That's such an interesting concept. Those who help others end up increasing their spiritual position, while those who get helped have weakened positions.
A corollary concept would be like a spiritual broken window fallacy. Could I help others obtain salvation by being a bum, myself, and cause others to step in and help me out? Then since I would be helping increase other people's spiritual position, would I, myself, also increase in position?
Or, how about this: does one need to fall in spiritual position in order for another to increase, kind of like a Newton law of opposite reaction?
If all that doesn't make sense, it's only because I'm leaving out one important concept. When the Church helps people out, it provides sustenance while at the same time helping them to become self-reliant. As the old proverb says: "give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime."
When you teach a needy person how to become self reliant, then both parties will increase in spirituality. You help a person learn how to survive on his own, and he learns self confidence as he comes to support himself. Everyone is lifted.
So, go out there. Be self-reliant, and inspire others to be self-reliant, and everyone will be better off.
